Dear World

So apparently I use this blog to get out feelings that I can't say to the people who I want to hear them. It is easier to put them out into the world where I know other people HAVE to be feeling the same things but I don't personally know them. I want everyone to know that I am not trying to be morose and that most of the time I am a happy person, but like all people I suffer from insecurities, compounded with depression issues, these insecurities present themselfves as me throwing what my family members term a "Pitty Party". So tonight I've written a piece that I just needed to get out there. It's called Dear World.

Dear World

If you do not already occupy a place in my heart you never will. It seems to be my blessing and my curse to feel what you feel.

To be sad when you’re sad, smile when you smile, cry when you cry, and laugh when you laugh, but I can’t take it anymore.

My heart isn’t as strong as you think.

It has walls that get stronger year by year, day by day, hour by hour.

There was a door, within the walls of my heart, willing to admit new people.

People who could make me laugh, make me spin, show me how to enjoy this journey in mortality but people, as you know world, will let you down.

The jokes become harsh, the spinning turns my stomach, and the enjoyment tastes bitter.

From now on the door in my wall will be bricked up.

I’ve had enough

No more

I will cherish those who are worthy enough to still reside.

My family has a place, a few cherished friends,

but most importantly I will make a place for myself, there in my heart.

I can’t let myself feel for others,

people who will never know or understand what it means to care.

I don’t have the strength not to collapse under the selfishness, inconsistencies, and inconsideration new occupants bring.

I used to take everyone in

I used to care

Often times more than I should

I thought it made me a good person

But it just made me weak

Pathetic

To feel too much hurts, world.

You begin to doubt yourself

To learn not to trust

So from now on no one new will be allowed residence in my heart.

I am done.

 

Rough Draft

I know I'm not a good writer and no one reads this anyway, so I thought to add a rough draft of a piece I wrote tonight. When I say rough I really mean rough. I never really liked poems so I have no idea why I decided to write this one, but hey whatever.

I cried myself to sleep tonight,

and nobody was there.

Tonight my heart was breaking.

Not a single soul was there.

I’ve never been in love,

felt that excitement, hope, and fear.

But my heart breaks anyway.

I laugh through all my tears.

I see the people all around,

talking,

laughing,

living.

I want to be there with them,

but my heart still goes on breaking.

Something is wrong with me.

Something isn’t right.

How can I be surrounded

yet feel all alone inside?

I’m not what they want, I say,

But maybe I can change.

I tried again tonight to be

the girl they’ll finally love.

I feel defeated, broken now.

I just can’t keep on trying.

I joke and rib and laugh and play,

Still demons hide inside.

Behind the laughter, jokes, and games

There’s nothing left to find.

I cried myself to sleep tonight

And nobody would hear

I let them see what they want.

I dance a happy dance.

It’s a mockery,

a shell,

a well coordinated play.

I am not a gentle lady but a messed up girl instead.

I have passion, love, and kindness,

hidden deep within.

Tonight my heart is breaking.

Not a single soul is here.

But someday I won’t mind so much

‘Cause someday they will know.

I was worth all the time,

the love,

and care.

But for tonight,

I cry myself to sleep

while nobody is here.